


Naughty Boy Gets The Paddle

by FunkMcLovin



Category: Homestuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-24 19:01:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20019457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FunkMcLovin/pseuds/FunkMcLovin
Summary: Dirk is complacent in his victory, and retreats on his pilfered Skaianet vessel. But is everything as it seems...? There are rumbles in the halls...





	Naughty Boy Gets The Paddle

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.

Dirk perked his ears up. His eyebrows knitted together. There was a sound in the distance, a sound he didn't recognize, which was an occurrence that was far between in instance. He turned slowly in his chair, eyes narrowing. It sounded like... Music. Was Terezi using Rosebot's bluetooth functionality again?

DIRK: Rose?

A call into the void. Dirk swallowed when the music got louder. It didn't take a man of Dirk's narrative prowess to realize that the music was getting closer.

DIRK: Is that the fucking Village People...?

The music got louder and louder. It was like a scene from a horror film, set to what sounded like "Macho Man" playing on a DJ-grade speaker. Dirk's eyes settled on the door to his office aboard the ship, reaching for something he hadn't needed in years and years: An unmistakably shitty Kataka, gleaming with eagerness to be used.

DIRK: Alright, Terezi. Quit fucking around. Horse-around time is over.

Dirk knew it wasn't Terezi, but shouting in a self-assured manner made him feel a little better. The music was reaching a fever pitch. It shook the metal in Dirk's Katana just as hard as his nerves. He felt... Alive, for the first time in some time. Whoever these interlopers were, he'd have to thank them before he cut them down with ruthless efficiency.

"I WANT TO BE, A MACHO MAN!"

Dirk's hand squeezed on the katana. The music was just outside now...

"BODY! CHECK OUT MY, BODY!"  
Dirk's office door burst off its hinges, toppling into him, batting him backwards like a foam puppet. He wouldn't be so easily deterred. When he tossed the door from his own frame, he stood to face his opponent, but upon seeing that tanned, muscular figure hefting a flintlock pistol and in one hand and a forty-pound Mackie SRM450 Speaker in the other, he balked.

JAKE: DIRK, OLD BOY, THAT'S QUITE FAR ENOUGH! YOU'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY LITTLE LAD, BOY HOWDY!

Jake tossed the pistol and speaker aside, which kicked back to life. Behind him, filed in Kanaya, holding a chainsaw that had "DIRK" written crudely on its chasis in permanent marker, Dave, who was, uh, a robot, now? And finally, Jade, occupied by his long-time nemesis, eyes black and empty.

DIRK: Wh-  
KANAYA: Bend Over

The two simple words were not a request. Jake made his lap available for Dirk, who, shaking and shuddering, laid over it slowly. Kanaya dropped her chain saw, cracking her knuckles, withdrawing another, different weapon... A paddle, emblazoned with the word "YAOI" in non-crude letters.

KANAYA: Keep Him Still  
JAKE: Aye-aye ma'am!

"Macho Man" was still definitely going on, and Kanaya began to use it as a rhythmic template as she administrated paddles to Dirk's naughty behind.

KANAYA: Say You Have Been A Naughty Boy Dirk  
DIRK: I'm not going to fucking say-  
JAKE: NAUGHTY BOY GETS THE PADDLE!!

The assorted spectators repeated Jake's sentiment solemnly in unison.

DAVEBOT: naughty boy gets the paddle  
JADE: naughty boy gets the paddle.

And thus ended the reign of abject wife-stealing terror that was Dirk Strider. Legend says you can still read "YAOI" backwards on his sweet cheeks.


End file.
